Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
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yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Doctors texting each other.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
January has been Januweary
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
they finally got him. they got macavity
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Breaking news:
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.