Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
That earthquake could have been an email.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?