I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
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my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….