Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.