“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
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British websites use biscuits.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Dance like you’re not the father
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me: