Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
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A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
TRAIN’S HERE
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.