ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
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the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
WWE is French for “yes”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles