the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
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this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.