This is true.
You Might Also Like
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Mornin
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues