My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
@funTweeters
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now