The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
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i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
This checks out
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand