Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names