Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
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wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti