Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
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[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol