Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Google assistant rules
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.