Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
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Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.