So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name