my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
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you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees