*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Seek kebab; not attention
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’m sorry…what?
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.