If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Go hard or stay average
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.