Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.