“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
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Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
constantly working on myself.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )