You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
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me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I love the National Park Service.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…