What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
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My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt