My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
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One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
where the womens at?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.