In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
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I have never heard an armadillo before.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Happy Star Wars day!
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”