We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
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me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.