My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
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“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”