Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
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Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Worth the read.
This classic never gets old . . .
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.