I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
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her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.