Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
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No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
💯😂
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.