Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
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I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving