I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
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Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.