*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Do not levitate over flowers
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Not today. 😅
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap