Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.