ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget