Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…