#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.