The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
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My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed