Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
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🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I am, perchance
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!