Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]