Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.