[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
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me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!