Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
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When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”