[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
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Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
good morning
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Left at a local drug store…
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.