Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
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I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.