I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
You Might Also Like
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
huge if true: the moon
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.