When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
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Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick