What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
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What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France