Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse